I've never really been partial to talking about my "feelings". I don't even like the term "feelings". I prefer not to talk, mostly. I just don't have a lot to say on certain things until I'm ready to talk about them. I mainly keep deep thoughts to myself. I feel I can reflect better and articulate my thoughts more in my head than out loud. So, I decided to type them out on here. To be honest, an old fashioned notebook would suffice. However, every time I go to put the pen to paper, I get bored and the awkwardness starts to seep in. Typing is much quicker and easier for me. But, enough explaining and babbling on about typing versus writing.
I am tired.
I'm not just tired, but TIRED. This world has been so chaotic that I am not convinced that there are many good things that come from everyone being here. Why are we even here? What is the purpose of a soul? Just to die? If we are here to help each other, what are we helping each other to accomplish? I look at how things used to be when I was a kid and I look at them now and the differences are overwhelming. Things are not what they used to be and I see more negativity than anything. More violence, more anger, more greed, and more unjust doings. I have little faith in the justice system, and I have little faith in my fellow man.
Right now, the entire east coast is experiencing a gas shortage due to the pipeline in Alabama leaking. People are fighting over gas, literally fighting over gas. It is outrageous. The shortages haven't even hit us hard yet and people are fist fighting at the pumps. Is that not surreal? It's ridiculous, and it's terrifying that people are so petty and crazy.
I hear on the news that kids are shooting each other and beating each other up for fun. I am terrified for my daughter. I want to keep her safe and locked away from all of the people out there because I am afraid someone will hurt her for fun. I don't trust people anymore (not that I ever have before, but now I really have a reason not to trust anyone).
I wonder if the people of generations before felt the same way in their 30's as I do now. They look back on their previous years and said "things aren't what they used to be," and they would mourn for our future generations and the memories of their generation.
I am not sure if things will change for the better or for the worse. I hope they change for the better.
I remember when things were exciting. Being outdoors on a crisp, cool, overcast day in fall. The trees were already displaying their showy autumn hues of orange, reds, and yellows. Riding in the backseat of your mom's Ford escort listening to Paula Cole on the way home from school. There was nothing to worry about except making sure that you did what your mom asked you to do. That was it. No bills, no kids of your own, no cruel intentions of other people, no future to really think about. We were just living in the moment. What I wouldn't give to be a kid again. But, I guess I can't have it all. I was naive as most kids are. Maybe the world has always been so dark and I didn't start to wake up until high school when I became less naive and more skeptical.
You always see posts on Facebook and hear about how people should stop worrying about the future or the past and live in the present. That's fine and dandy if you don't have any kids to worry about and aren't middle class or poor. There are bills to pay and work to be done that have you constantly worrying about the future.
I think certain things have happened in my life that have allowed me to wander away from my true self. I don't know who I am anymore, so I wander around looking for a purpose. Lots of people are like that. And no, it has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with a sense of belonging. Life is crazy. That's all I can spout out right now. I'm sure I'll have some sort of crazy dream as I usually do every night, but I look forward to my dreams as they help me escape from this world to a world that's not so scary for me.
